I appreciate what your saying. And I don’t know anything. That’s one of the problems. Like I feel lost in a way but at the same time I never lost tack of what I been focused on. I done tried doing everything as right as possible and all I got in return was me losing everything I loved da most Nd didn’t even know at the time. Everything I do eventually backfires on me and I end up paying da price in the long run. I’ve seen this happen in literally every area in my life. And then it’s shit that happens ona daily basis that normal people prolly wouldn’t even make it back from. I done almost lost my life so many time within the past two month not even kounting the times I got into it w the police and the worst part is nobody would even know if anything happened let alone kared. And then I’m up beating myself up ona inside because the one thing that meant the most to me I fucked up. Multiple times at that. She was prolly da only person who really understands me and I felt comfortable with now she done moved way on and I know that’s the end of what coulda been. It always hits at night round like 3 I get to seeing every sign she gave me of how she was starting to lose interest and I would actually see it and know but instead of being a man about it n attended to her problems I was a boy about it and took advantage of her feelings n basically portrayed her as da one who kouldnt see eye to eye when it was me to begin with. I was always insecure and jealous of anybody she was around kause I know how people are and they prey upon the ones w the biggest hearts. I still Kant kope w how easy she moved on but it’s more to it. I’m too deep in love it’s sad. It’s sumn spiritual for me. She can hate me as much as she wants but she somehow still hits me up so that’s how I know the connection still there. I Kant lose that that’s all I really got left now. And I be up at night thinking to myself who she’s with or should I pop up or am I doing too much n then I always hear dat saying outta nowhere “you can either keep trying or you kan just give up. Is it worth the effort or are you just sweating kause u thirsty?” Most of da time I wanna give up no kap ion be thinking I gotta chance anymore but then again I told her I loved her so there’s that. I be so tired of being tired of everything. I’m tired of failing at everything. I’m tired at how I trust all da wrong people. I’m tired of being betrayed and losing what shouldn’t be lost. I’m tired of not having nobody when it counts. I’m really fed up n tired of being alive sometimes. I could never kill myself but the thought fasho comes around. It’s really crazy how much I’m comfortable with death been close friends since kids because I swear every other day it’s something new. Not to mention niggas kall thyself putting some lil pocket change on my head not that I’m worried one but when I tell u within da past two months I done been shot at like 4 5 times done been in like two different shootouts got in another accident lost my strap got a new one then had to dump that one soon as I got it I been on the road nonstop damn near been sleeping in my car ain’t been to my mama house in a while now don’t go no homies so I’m be at nobody house like that anymore I’m basically on da run already I’m just out on bail. Then it’s like I been going back n forth to Vegas but all the bnbs done went up n I’m not going to no hotel nor motel so I be thuggin it. But it’s whatever tho. Whatever happens Gone happen. If I gotta do these yrs so be it but I know I would talk to a soul again. I’d cut everybody out my life no matter who they were because when you boil it all down it’s considered fake love or fake intentions n that’s always been a pet peeve.
